Febuary: What a depressing month....

Yup,

As much as I don't want to sound negative-speaking self-degrading bastard, this month had been particularly pretty depressing for me.. starting with thoughts about death which had returned after months of shaking it off.

Guess it's due to the recent discussion on this topic with my colleagues when one of them who had lost her parent in an unexpected situation. That kind of thoughts had been floating around in my head ever since my last major accident. Despite me trying to shake it off constantly, it kept coming back. Guess that age plays a part too, which I will come to that later. I ever spoken to one of my gaming friends, Major Tom, regarding this topic (since he is in his forties and I looked up to him as someone who can give solid advises) and he said that I need to come to terms with the idea of death (not from the religious point of view as he is not a religious person either) in a practical way, I will be able to look past it and begin to enjoy life more. I understood what he had said, but the path to that direction seems to be harder than I imagined, especially when you look at your parents and realised that they had aged so much and you have no idea how much time I can spent with them, when I had known my colleague's father passed away unexpectedly recently. That is really one haunting thought.

Next, V day. It's a day when I used to spend time with someone for the past 3 years, thinking up surprises and stuff. This year, fond and bad memories are the only things I can cling on. The feeling sucked to the core that day that I simply don't have the mood to meet anyone or do anything. Thinking back on the mistakes I made back then worsen things further.

Now, birthday. Yes, my birthday just passed, but somehow it was not a pretty good day either. Having the thought that I already lived thru half (or more) of my mortal lifespan affected my mood more. Guess that is part of the factor that contribute to my thoughts about death, thinking, how am I going to live out the other half (or less) of my life? Will I just die alone or I will have my own family to stay by my deathbed? Maybe that is a symptom of mid-life crisis, I don't know haha. Top that up with me having to go for my reservist exercise briefing plus coming back home to clear my work after that ON MY BIRTHDAY (Whiskey Tango Fox). Exciting huh. Ended up, I just spent the rest of the day alone in my room doing my stuffs. The only good thing that came out of the day is that I managed to complete the draft song arrangement for Tish's singer friend.

So this is pretty much a ranting post, nothing else. If the description of the events suggest a hint of depression, I guess maybe I'm having a mild one at best. Hope it will go away pretty soon. The heart lightening part is that at least I have my family (esp my mum) and some friends who had stood by me during one of my darkest times.

Anyway, thanks to those who had sent their well wishes the previous day and those kukus who had thought my birthday is today haha. I appreciated that.